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Monday, December 11, 2017

Exam Questions

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
        His last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
         At the bottom of the page

Q3.. River flows in which state?
        Liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
         Marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
        Exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
         Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
         The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
        Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
        No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
         You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
         Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
         No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
         Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.


Spread some laughter, share the cheer.
Let's be happy, while we're here!

Sunday, December 10, 2017

The New Apartment

Gonna kick off the week with a fun and a bit of a naughty giggle from Meredith's Jack.  Enjoy!

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. 

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it,allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt, she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'


Clearing his throat, he stammered....'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming,... that was me.

Saturday, December 9, 2017

Not Saving a Thing

Shared this years ago but decided to share again as it’s such a lovely message…

I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden. I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time at work.

Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savor, not to endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.

I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.

I wear my good blazer to the market. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out 28.49 for one small bag of groceries.

I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware store and tellers at the bank. "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.

I'm not sure what our loved ones who have suddenly passed on would’ve done had they known that they wouldn't be here for the tomorrow that we all take for granted. I think they would have called family members and a few close friends. They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles. I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, or for whatever their favorite food was.

I'm guessing; I'll never know. It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my wife/husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them.

I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God.

If you received this, it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it takes right now to forward this, would it be the first time you didn't do the little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you it certainly won't be the last. Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.

People say true friends must always hold hands, but true friends don't need to hold hands because they know the other hand will always be there."

Author unknown

Friday, December 8, 2017

Sunday School Test

Here's a fun oldie for ya...

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

 
I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

 
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the lawn, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

 
By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'.

 
I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

 
 
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD..."

 
It's a curious race, the Irish.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Group Therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a Group Therapy Session with five young mothers and their small children.  "You all have obsessions," he stated.  "I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children."


To the first mother, he said: "Mary, You are obsessed with eating.  You've even named your daughter: Candy."


He turned to the second Mum: "Ann, Your obsession is with money.  It manifests itself in your children's names of Penny, Goldie and Frank.


He turned to the third Mum, "Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol.  This too shows itself in your children's names: of Brandy and Sherry.  You have even called your cat: Whisky."


He then turned to the fourth Mum: "June: Your obsession is with flowers.  Your girls are called Rose, Daphne, and Poppy."



At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up from her seat, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about, grab Fanny and Willy, we're leaving..."

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza 2017

Thanks to Jz for organizing the Great Online Cookie Exchange!



 

Praline Cookies
Yield Makes about 2 dozen

Ingredients
  • 1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar
  • 1/2 cup butter, softened
  • 1 large egg
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 1 cup flour
  • 1 cup chopped pecans
Instructions
  1. Preheat oven to 350°
  2. In a large bowl, whip the butter and brown sugar together until light and fluffy
  3. Blend in egg
  4. Add the vanilla extract and beat well
  5. Mix in flour
  6. Drop by tablespoon onto parchment lined cookie sheet
  7. Bake for 13 to 15 minutes
  8. Cool on baking sheet for 1 minute; then remove cookies to wire racks to cool completely.
Notes
  • To soften the butter:
    • Sit at room temperature for a few hours
    • Place in microwave for 10 to 20 seconds (DO NOT MELT)
    • Shred cold stick with cheese shredder
As always, if you have any questions please feel free to contact me and I would love any feedback you care to send.



Participating Blogs...be sure to go visit for some awesome recipes!


Just remember, the 7th of December lasts a whole 24 hours…and goes across international date lines!  So if there's nothing posted when you first visit, don't grumble., just try visiting later. 

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Retirees’

Shared by a dear friend on Facebook…just had to share it here. Enjoy!

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally retirees' behaviour that was going on...

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

 

When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees are misbehaving and only 5% are not.'
 
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.
 


When angel returned, she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% of retirees are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...'

God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

 

Do you know what the e-mail said?

 
Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Monday, December 4, 2017

The Retired Sailor

And here we have a naughty giggle from Meredith's Jack.  Enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.

He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.


He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'


'Three knots?' he asks. 

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

Saturday, December 2, 2017

Small pleasures

Be happy with the little things, because there are so many more of them.

Don't postpone your enjoyment of life until after some grand achievement.

Strive for that grand achievement, to be sure.

And take pleasure in all the joys along the way.

Every day presents you with countless opportunities to experience happiness.

There is joy available in each moment, if you really want to find it.

Consider how very much more likely you are to persevere, and to reach that grand achievement, if the path to it is filled with delight.

Find enjoyment in the small things, and even in the striving.

It will keep you going.

Relish the journey, and it will help you reach the destination.